Jeffrey, I appreciate this perspective. You’re right I do have a tendency toward the lone wolf. And I deeply agree that we can become experts at deceiving ourselves.
But your answer also makes me wonder about the opposite danger.
If we cannot fully trust ourselves, how do we know when the voices around us are helping us uncover truth, rather than simply reinforcing another layer of identity?
At what point does wisdom require community, and at what point does it require solitude?
After all, many of the great transformations throughout history seem to involve both: the guidance of others and the courage to stand alone.
Perhaps the challenge is not only learning how to distrust ourselves, but also learning how to listen deeply enough that neither our own fears nor the voices of others drown out what is true.
And I wonder:
Could dependence on community become just as subtle a defense against uncertainty as the lone wolf’s dependence on self-reliance?
These are the kind of questions that could take someone on a journey of a lifetime! Maybe there's an article emerging through you that many people could benefit from.
It might be that the ideas we have about being an adult are so distorted by the modern culture context that we think being an adult means being able to figure things out alone.
What I can say from my experience is that I've found so much Aliveness, Fun, Clarity and Connection when I radically rely on people to support me. I can't remember anything I've done successfully on my own. I tried it for a long time and it was a kind of nightmare I was living in that I could only recognize after trying something different. My definition of success might be different from others.
Thank you, Jeffrey. I deeply resonate with what you’re sharing.
I’ve been following parts of your journey and the transformations you’ve gone through. I admire the way you’ve approached breaking old patterns, navigating relationships, and, above all, showing that men can feel, cry, and be vulnerable too. In a culture that often associates masculinity with self-sufficiency and control, I find that not only courageous, but profoundly human.
I’ve spent much of my life trying to figure things out on my own, believing that strength meant carrying everything by myself. And like you, I’ve begun to see how lonely and exhausting that path can become.
What touches me most in your words is the idea that perhaps maturity has less to do with having answers and more to do with allowing ourselves to be held by life through other people. There is something deeply human, and even sacred, about discovering that we were never meant to carry the weight of existence alone.
Perhaps success is ultimately not measured by achievements or certainty, but by the quality of aliveness, connection, and love that we allow ourselves to experience and share.
And perhaps one of the greatest acts of humility in adulthood is to let go of the attempt to become self-made men and instead recognize that, in many ways, we are shaped, healed, and awakened through our relationships with others.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. It touches something very deep and, in a way, reminds us that there is no shame in being human.
I read your post again and I noticed that under the questions I got a subtle sense of a lone wolf. One of the most important tools I have in my life is a big team of friends and colleagues on whom I lean to help me sift through the different parts of me to find out what I really want. I am the best at lying to myself. So, I was glad to read your questions as you are reaching out for perspectives beyond your own inner world.
I have definitely used the language of growth and evolution to avoid deeper pains. Clarity is a great tool to overcome numbness and it also becomes an enemy after a while. Lately, I've been working on dropping the identity of healer, evolutionary, change-maker, etc.. to see what happens when I fall into the pain of having no clue who I am. For a few days I went through something like a drug withdrawal.. shaking, sweating, despair.. and through all of it, I keep a team of people around to support me to go down deeper.
The second question is practically impossible to answer because whether you choose to stay in a relationship or leave it, there are things to learn. I suppose you could ask yourself which decision will give you the most important lessons for where you are right now. Without clarity about what your life research is at the moment, this would be a hard question to answer. So, maybe the better question is something like, 'what is your research right now?'
Acceptance is a touchy subject, in general, because it's so contaminated with new age, patriarchal spirituality. We live in an evolutionary world - meaning that nothing stays static, everything is changing. Acceptance can be an incredibly transformational move for some an it can be a wonderful tool for numbness for others. You can make a conscious choice when you are conscious of the consequences of your options.
Jeffrey, I appreciate this perspective. You’re right I do have a tendency toward the lone wolf. And I deeply agree that we can become experts at deceiving ourselves.
But your answer also makes me wonder about the opposite danger.
If we cannot fully trust ourselves, how do we know when the voices around us are helping us uncover truth, rather than simply reinforcing another layer of identity?
At what point does wisdom require community, and at what point does it require solitude?
After all, many of the great transformations throughout history seem to involve both: the guidance of others and the courage to stand alone.
Perhaps the challenge is not only learning how to distrust ourselves, but also learning how to listen deeply enough that neither our own fears nor the voices of others drown out what is true.
And I wonder:
Could dependence on community become just as subtle a defense against uncertainty as the lone wolf’s dependence on self-reliance?
These are the kind of questions that could take someone on a journey of a lifetime! Maybe there's an article emerging through you that many people could benefit from.
It might be that the ideas we have about being an adult are so distorted by the modern culture context that we think being an adult means being able to figure things out alone.
What I can say from my experience is that I've found so much Aliveness, Fun, Clarity and Connection when I radically rely on people to support me. I can't remember anything I've done successfully on my own. I tried it for a long time and it was a kind of nightmare I was living in that I could only recognize after trying something different. My definition of success might be different from others.
Thank you, Jeffrey. I deeply resonate with what you’re sharing.
I’ve been following parts of your journey and the transformations you’ve gone through. I admire the way you’ve approached breaking old patterns, navigating relationships, and, above all, showing that men can feel, cry, and be vulnerable too. In a culture that often associates masculinity with self-sufficiency and control, I find that not only courageous, but profoundly human.
I’ve spent much of my life trying to figure things out on my own, believing that strength meant carrying everything by myself. And like you, I’ve begun to see how lonely and exhausting that path can become.
What touches me most in your words is the idea that perhaps maturity has less to do with having answers and more to do with allowing ourselves to be held by life through other people. There is something deeply human, and even sacred, about discovering that we were never meant to carry the weight of existence alone.
Perhaps success is ultimately not measured by achievements or certainty, but by the quality of aliveness, connection, and love that we allow ourselves to experience and share.
And perhaps one of the greatest acts of humility in adulthood is to let go of the attempt to become self-made men and instead recognize that, in many ways, we are shaped, healed, and awakened through our relationships with others.
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. It touches something very deep and, in a way, reminds us that there is no shame in being human.
Your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for your attention and care in this exchange.
Hello Jeffrey, I hope you’re doing well.
I have two questions that came to mind while reading your article:
Have there been moments when you realized you were using the language of growth and evolution as a way to avoid feeling a deeper pain?
How can we tell whether we are being called to evolve within a relationship, or whether we are being called to leave the relationship altogether?
These questions stood out to me because they seem to touch on the delicate boundary between transformation and acceptance.
I read your post again and I noticed that under the questions I got a subtle sense of a lone wolf. One of the most important tools I have in my life is a big team of friends and colleagues on whom I lean to help me sift through the different parts of me to find out what I really want. I am the best at lying to myself. So, I was glad to read your questions as you are reaching out for perspectives beyond your own inner world.
Hey, Mizza.
These are such wonderful questions. Thank you.
I have definitely used the language of growth and evolution to avoid deeper pains. Clarity is a great tool to overcome numbness and it also becomes an enemy after a while. Lately, I've been working on dropping the identity of healer, evolutionary, change-maker, etc.. to see what happens when I fall into the pain of having no clue who I am. For a few days I went through something like a drug withdrawal.. shaking, sweating, despair.. and through all of it, I keep a team of people around to support me to go down deeper.
The second question is practically impossible to answer because whether you choose to stay in a relationship or leave it, there are things to learn. I suppose you could ask yourself which decision will give you the most important lessons for where you are right now. Without clarity about what your life research is at the moment, this would be a hard question to answer. So, maybe the better question is something like, 'what is your research right now?'
Acceptance is a touchy subject, in general, because it's so contaminated with new age, patriarchal spirituality. We live in an evolutionary world - meaning that nothing stays static, everything is changing. Acceptance can be an incredibly transformational move for some an it can be a wonderful tool for numbness for others. You can make a conscious choice when you are conscious of the consequences of your options.